i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
