He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize