seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Never underestimate the power of titties
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
