Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
