So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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