Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Randomize