ya dads aren't the best wingmen
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
