looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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