I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Randomize
