my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize