I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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