i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
