Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I think weed is turning my hair brown
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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