I wish I could teleport
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
