I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
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