i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
