I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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