The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
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