I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize