Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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