a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
