im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize