Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
