Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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