And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
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