Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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