i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
