If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I fill condoms, not promises.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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