My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
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