Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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