McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize