oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
