the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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