You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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