Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
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