his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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