based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
