I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
