jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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