I could have mohawked her pubes.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
