Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Randomize
