Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
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