I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
