just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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