It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
