alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize