Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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