2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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