Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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