You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
