Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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