this beer tastes like vomit already
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
