I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
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