1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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