matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize