Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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