my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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