Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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