People in love make me want to vomit
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
My boob is missing a layer of skin
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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