see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
