Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
