sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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