the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
