I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I am one with the molecules
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
